OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
