That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
