Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize