Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
