tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
