tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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