apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
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