I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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