i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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