I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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