Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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