I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
