I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
