I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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