Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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