woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
