As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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