omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Houston, we have a squirter
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
