You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Go christen that room with your naked body.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
