i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
