I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
