The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
