I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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