If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
