Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
