We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
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