hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
