I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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