you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
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