I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
