took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
