Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
