You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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