I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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