she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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