sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
