There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
