i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
