i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
