Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
