The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
