The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
