i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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