Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Randomize
