I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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