I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
