Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
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