im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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