you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I'm too high and old for this...
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
