meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I can tuck mytits in my pants
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
