oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
