wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
