I molested 6 butterflies tonight
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
