Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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