we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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