I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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